Hello again. You may have noticed that some new art has popped up on my account lately. I am trying to get back to DA, having missed the community, friends and fans I have here.
I feel like a lot of stuff hasn't been said about my absence and I really want to share some of my experiences with you of my life over the last few years while I've been gone.
4 years ago, I had a beautiful baby boy who is my pride and joy. When he was born, he was so small and alien like that I didn't understand where he had even come from. People say that they love their baby at first sight. I took a little longer then that. I started suffering from depression and anxiety, the depression made me lathargic and negative, the anxiety attacked my ability to leave the house and fed me the fear that I wasn't going to be able to handle a baby. And while these thoughts became a festering wound in my mind, I acted as though nothing was wrong. I didn't tell anyone what was happening to me or that I could barely breath when I stepped out of the house because the world was such an anxiety riddled place. I no longer went to movies or interacted with even my son's father who lived with us. Everyday felt like battling a fight that you knew you weren't even strong enough to lift the shield to defend, let alone attack.
I gained weight. I lost my confidence. What was once a bustling person who had been a quirky woman, strong in her beliefs, with a job and friends became a hollow shell in which a desolate landscape lay, ruins of dreams and personality haphazardly strewn.
Around the same time as having my son, I had found out his father had been cheating on me. This is the man I had been with for 5 years at that point. He was my high school sweetheart, my lover, my rock. He had shown me I was beautiful, made me believe I could do anything and never stopped me from following my crazy dreams. To find out he was cheating on me was devastating. The last of my confidence and heart were ripped out by my own hands as my thoughts turned to 'how could I have allowed this to happen?' As though it had been my choice, my actions that had driven him away.
At this time, I wish I had know the things about myself that I now know.
I wish I understood that I will not only allow someone to play the victim but I will give them that role, even if they have done something that I couldn't have possibly have prevented. I will shoulder blame and actually give the other person the excuses they need.
I wish I had realized that nobody will every be your biggest fan, your bestest friend or your greatest joy then yourself. It all starts with you and spirals out from there. You have to love what's inside before you can love others.
I wish that I would have know about which people were playing with me and my emotions. Life is short and dqrama is not worth the time.
I wish I had known my mantra that I now use daily;
'TODAY I CHOOSE HAPPINESS.'
But I didn't know these things... so there I was. Broken heart, broken mind and broken soul.
Needless to say, things looked pretty helpless. Helpless enough for life to no longer look worth while.
And this is where I cannot stress enough about asking for help. I battled panic attacks, anxiety and depression on my own. I battled suicidal thoughts on my own. If I have one word I can say to all of it, it would be DON'T.
DON'T do it.
DON'T forget you are beautiful.
DON'T every think you aren't worth it.
DON'T do it on your own.
Reach out. Whether it's a friend, family, professional or an online community, you need to reach out.
I didn't. I have friends who I assume had a pretty good idea as to what was going on. Some of them were too far away geographically and some didn't know how to help or how to bring it up.
For some reason, mental health is still such a taboo topic. We've certainly gone great lengths in the last few years as a society but we still have a lot to go.
I ended up staying with my son's father. There were a lot of reasons at the time, including financial, our son, and promises made. In his defense, he is not a bad man in general, he provides, does his fair share of chores/taking care of our son and didn't mind that I was working through some things. At the time, these were enough to tip the scales in favour of staying together.
To add to the need for the support of a significant other, we were informed by a doctor that our son had a disability called Angelmens. To cut a long story short, he has genetic deletion. We were told he would never walk, talk, plagued by seizures and be extremely sick all of his life.
There was a lot of guilt for his diagnoses. The deletion was completely on his maternal side so it weighed very heavily.
I spent 2 years locked in my home, very seldomly going or seeing anyone.
One day I woke up and realized I had no inspiration to draw or write. That even gaming had become a boring and tasteless task. My life had literally lost every amount of worth.
So, I went out and got a job. I told myself that if I could work, if I could be at a store for 15 hours a week, then I could work my way up to everything else. I thought to all the different places I could apply and decided to only give resumes to retail stores that, if I would go shopping, I would walk into.
One happened to be a tech/cellular company. Walked in, said hi to the manager and chatted for a moment. He called me less then 24 hours later to offer me the job. I accepted.
I knew working was going to be difficult. Going from no human contact to working in a retail space was going to be a stark reality. My first 2 weeks ended each shift with me going home in tears due to having to fight breakdowns and from the fact that I had to choose a job in which there is so much jargon made me feel impossibly stupid.
Do you want to know where I am now, 2 years later? Because I absolutely didn't give up! I have now been managing that same tech store for 1 year, my company sends me all over for training and development with the hope to prepare me for further oppritunities within our company.
My son is the best case senario for his disability. He is walking with assistance, can say the word 'mum,' tries to call me on his grandmother's iphone and his seizures are completely controlled with a morning and evening dose of medication. The only time he is sick is when he catches a typical cold or cough.
The friend and partner things are still up in the air. I just lost 2 of my closest and longest friends recently but it was my choice to say good bye to people who were disrespectful and unhealthy to be around. I roommate with my son's father and he would like to make things work but, as of right now, he needs to work through some problems on his own and, while he's doing that, I need to work on learning how to trust without completely leaving myself vulnerable.
As for my art, I'm trying a new style with it be a bit more of an expression of myself and daily life.
So here I sit, typing this, in hopes to get across a very important message; Life does get better. Never give up. Mental health is an important discussion and one that we need to start having without the past prejudices.
Please feel free to message me if you ever need! I may not always respond immediately but, if it would simply take one person, even if it's just me, to make a difference in those extremely hard times, to help you with even just some one to listen, I am here.
I am also on Tumblr and Twitter as Fearthecuteone
xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo xoxo
And may all your days be filled with cute!